Jokes - I need a laugh

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Comment by Steve Pollard on August 30, 2009 at 11:41am

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met !

Comment by Gary Kleinfeld on May 13, 2009 at 7:50pm

If We say Geronimo When We Jump Out a Plane. What
did Geronimo Say When He Jumps Out of a Plane.
Custer I would Say

What did Hitler Tie His Shoes in Everyday. In Little
Knotsies.

Comment by Gary Kleinfeld on May 13, 2009 at 7:42pm

Nancy that was a Great Funny Poem with a lot of Truth to
it. It is What Comic Tim Allen Say's and How He became
Famous. He Said "Men are Pigs". Oink, Oink. :-)

Comment by Nancy Radlinger on May 13, 2009 at 7:18pm

WELL, ladies here is one that I could sure relate with. There are times when men should just lighten up and let the women we know enjoy a nice quiet poem such as this one. A WOMAN'S POEM

He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...

Like his mother used to do.

Comment by Nancy Radlinger on May 11, 2009 at 7:09pm

After living in the remote wilderness of West Virginia all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.'

Comment by Gary Kleinfeld on January 1, 2009 at 5:12pm

What do You get when You cross an Elephant with a Jar of Peanut Butter.
You get a Jar of Peant Butter that never forgets or an Elephant that Sticks to the Roof of Your Mouth.
How do You get an Elephant to Walk across a Pool Table Unnoticed. You
paint the Toe Nails Red, Green, Yellow, Blue, Yellow

Comment by Steve Pollard on January 1, 2009 at 1:14pm

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.

Comment by Gary Kleinfeld on January 1, 2009 at 12:56am

What do You get in an Air Condtioned Bank. You get Cold Cash.
If a Cat Won an Oscar, what would You call it. An Acatemy Award.
What does a Train Eat for Lunch. Coal Cuts.

Comment by Nancy Radlinger on January 1, 2009 at 12:43am

The Pharmacist's Monday Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and
the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the
open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase
with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the
floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a
rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

Comment by Gary Kleinfeld on December 30, 2008 at 9:58pm

At the Adult Bookstore the Boss had to go to the Bank before Closing in a Hurry after eating Lunch from Home. So he left his Blonde Sales girl in Charge. So a Female Customer comes in & wants to Buy an Aid for Herself. So She Asked the Blonde Girl some info on the White One. She
Says it is our basic Model & it is $10. The Customer Buys it. Another
Female Customer Walks in & wants the same Thing, the Customer asks
How Much is the Black One. The Blonde says the is Our deluxe Model &
it is $25. The Customer Buys it. A few Mintues later another Customer
Lady Customer Walks & see's this Big Large Fancy Tartan Model & She
Asked Smiling. How much is that Big fancy Squared One over their. The
Blonde has to Think an extra second Uh oh thats are Brand New Model
that just came in. Fine says the Customer, I will take it.

The Boss Returns from the Banks & Asks was it Busy. The Blonde Replies
Yes with a Smile. I Sold the white Phallus for $10, the black one for $25
& Your Coffee Thermos for $100

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